My Reading Adventures With Heritage Youth

On Thursday, June 10, 2015, I led a Relationship Chat Session with the youths of New Heritage Baptist Church, Shomolu, Lagos. The session which was part of their 2015 Youth Week was quite interesting. During the session I shared that reading books is one of the ways by which we can equip ourselves for the success of our relationships. At the end of the program, a lovely young lady approached me and asked about my Group Reading Program. I explained that I Got a group of young people who would commit to reading the book, Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman over a six week period, I will commit to coaching them.

 Source:Bookstore Quotes

Never underestimate the power of a determined mind. PrincessDee as her friends call her, responded, "I'll get back to you ma." She got back to me by email, having recruited fifteen of her friends to sign on to the Reading Program. The six weeks Reading Program kicked off on June 29, 2015.

Some expectations shared by the participants were:

1. For the fun of it. Never joined a reading group before. 

2. To grasp new knowledge that I may not have known by now with respect to marriage questions coupled with boosting my reading culture to grow in this area.

3. To be more prepared and enlightened to have and know what it takes to have a successful marriage.

4. A broader understanding of relationships and how to drive them towards a long-lasting marriage. The simple necessary actions to keep a woman and keep her happy. 

5. To find answers to questions relating to marriage and prepare for the marriage institution. 

6. That I may understand the basic and essentials of marriage for me to enjoy it to the fullest.

7. At the end of the program, I hope to have grown in my relationship with God and have a better understanding of his purpose for my life. Also, as a young Christian lady looking forward to the marriage institution, I want to gain a deeper knowledge of my roles as a wife and mother to be in order to have an excellent home. 

8. To get the most out of the book to help me develop healthier relationships with the view of a successful marriage. To also identify the major pitfalls in choosing a life partner.

9. To get knowledge on how to build a successful intentional relationship (not random dating) and avoid the pitfalls and mistakes made in previous relationships. 

10. I expect to have a better understanding to the concept of marriage, to understand my role and task as a woman in a relationship and eventually as a wife. I expect to be able to learn from other people and to generally learn new ideas and views to make myself better.

11. To choose the right man, to develop a healthy relationship with my spouse.

It was an interesting six weeks.

We had two 2-hour virtual meetings on BlackBerry - the first three weeks into the program and the second at the end of six weeks. The discussions were very enlightening for me as one who works with young people and also as a parent of young adults who are trying to figure out their way in life.

My young friends had a tough time finding the time to read the book and do the required assignments with their personal hectic schedule of leaving home early for work and getting back late. They found the time because of the accountability process of the Reading Program. At the end of six weeks, they appreciated that finding time to read was doable and greatly beneficial.

Were their expectations met? Here are the words they used to describe their experiences. Awesome and revealing. Enlightening. Refreshing. Revolutionary. Eye opening and educating.

And me, how did I feel? Astounded to say the least. I have once again experienced the significant impact that reading books can have in the lives of the people who read them. I first read Gary Chapman's book some years ago. I have since then recommended it to many people and sold it at Hidden Treasures Bookstore. This group is the second one I've done the six weeks Reading Program with. The feedback is the same - "Thank you for introducing this book to us."

And you know what? If I meet the fifteen young people I worked with in these past few weeks, I will not recognise them. I am yet to have a face to face meeting with them. *smiling* I look forward to meeting them all soon.

My takeaway? There's plenty of avenues for me to teach and encourage the love of books and of reading!

Thank you New Heritage Baptist Church and Heritage Youth for inviting me to your church. Thank you Likeminds Reading Group. Thank you PrincessDee for putting the group together and for being the Group Admin.

And now it’s your turn. You had any reading adventures recently? Share them..

Why I Love Reading Books About Other Peoples' Experiences...

Autobiographies and biographies, that's what books about the life experiences of people are called. One such book is "Long Walk to Freedom" by Nelson Mandela, the first black president of South Africa. Another is "Gifted Hands" by Ben Carson, the first surgeon to successfully separate conjoined twins at the head.

Source: First Grade Blue Skies

I love reading books about peoples' experiences. There is nothing that happens to me that is not common to man. Someone somewhere has walked that path before me. Through the pages of these books I walk with and share their experiences. I learn from them how to handle different life situations. I discover ideas and approaches which I can use in my own life. 

(Auto)biographies allow me to see the world in new ways. As I read about someone from a different era, a different background, even a totally different set of experiences, I gain a new perspective about my own life situation.

When I read books about other peoples' life experiences, I get a glimpse into their minds and now have the advantage of knowing them. As I think about what they might do in the situation I am facing, they become my mentors from a distance.

I recently had the privilege to read "Miracle on the Hudson' by Chigozie Udemezue, founder of Healing Hearts Widows Support Foundation. Chigozie who is my friend, wrote about her experiences after her husband died. Her exuberantly healthy husband was snatched by death and while she was still reeling from that painful loss, she had a baby who the medics said would survive only by a miracle.Her baby survived, demonstrating God's mercy and astounding the medics who declared that they had indeed seen a miracle happen before their very eyes. 

Life handed her a lemon and a very bitter one at that, but she chose to make lemonade out of it and then serve it as a refreshing drink for others. She wrote about her experiences to encourage others along life's way.

Source: Gozie Udemezue

Since reading the book, whenever I encounter what I consider a tough situation, I find myself thinking, "What would Chigozie do if she were in my shoes?" I have gained a new perspective on how to respond to life challenges.

Choosing to read (auto)biographies is a great way to expand your horizons, find new mentors and learn vicariously from others.

  

Now it's your turn. What (auto)biographies have you read and what impact have they made on you? If you haven't read any, I encourage you start, perhaps with "Miracle on the Hudson". You'd be glad you did.

I Won't Give Up...

Making a commitment involves dedicating yourself to something, like a person or a cause. 

A commitment obligates you to do something.

Making a commitment is a good thing. Once you define an objective and make a commitment to achieve it, the commitment holds the objective constantly before you. I am learning the benefits of making a commitment. It is a little over eleven weeks now since I posted my last blog entry. In these eleven weeks, I constantly remembered my two commitments:

• To write a blog post every week; and
• To read for 15 minutes every day

I kept the commitment to read for 15 minutes a day. In fact because I already have a love for reading, I read for more than fifteen minutes each day. I have since completed the book, Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married by Gary Chapman and started to read "Love, Sex and Lasting Relationships" by Chip Ingram. However, I still struggle to read at regular times.

Writing a weekly the blog post has been a tougher nut to crack. Eleven weeks have gone by without a blog post. Did I just forget my commitment? Not really. Every day, I remembered it. Yet each week went by, without a blog post. I am slowly recognising that when I make a commitment, I need to make space for it in my schedule of things to do. For writing the blog, I need to make time for thinking about what to write. I need to also make time for writing the entry and posting it. And so I am at my desk resuming work on something that I have committed to do.

I'm glad I made a public commitment. It has kept me accountable. I thank you, my friends, who have inquired from time to time, about when you'll see my next post. Here it is...

The next couple of weeks will show me whether I am mastering the lesson I am learning about making space in my schedule of things to do for the commitments that I have made.

Now its your turn. What commitments have you made in recent times. How are you doing with keeping them?

Piracy of Books

I was discouraged this week and I'd like to tell you about it.

Piracy of books has been perhaps the biggest challenge that booksellers in Nigeria have faced in the last couple of years. Best selling books and bibles which form the core inventory of many bookstores have been taken by pirates who have flooded the market with illegally produced copies. In  the past, it was quite easy to recognise pirated works. The quality of the work and the paper used was very poor. With the advancement in technology, the quality of the pirated works is quite close to the original editions.

On the one hand, members of the public, largely ignorant, happily buy the pirated works, supposing that they are getting fantastic price bargains. They even accuse bookstore owners and booksellers who sell original works of being selfish people who are out to make excessive profit. On the other hand, bookstore owners have unsold inventory because their customers are now buying pirated books They have a hard time having enough funds to pay their suppliers and have to lay off staff. Furthermore, because they cash strapped, they are unable to bring new titles to the customers who are faithful and consistent in their patronage. Some bookstores have had to close down.

Many bookstore owners, yours truly included, have chosen not to deal in pirated works. It has been tough but we have stayed true to our choice.

"My Vision: Challenges in the Race for Excellence" by His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates and Ruler of Dubai was introduced to the local book market in January 2014. As with other bookstores, we at Hidden Treasures Bookstore, received enquiries about this inspiring book. In a bid to satisfy our customers, we ordered the book. To our chagrin, the pirated version of the book has flooded the market. And it is selling at one-tenth the price of the original work.

How does a honest bookstore owner deal with this? Customers' accusations, unsold inventory resulting in cash flow issues...

the truth is that the only way a customer can identify pirated works is to believe in the integrity of the bookstore from which he buys books regularly. if a bookstore's customer believes that the bookstore operates with integrity, he will be suspicious once he is offered books at ridiculously low prices. In recent times, customers who have patronised us for years at Hidden Treasures Bookstore have accused us of charging exorbitant prices. We have been horrified. Seeing that book prices have remained stable for quite some time, their accusations infer that we have not acted with integrity. Coming from long-standing customers, that was dreadful. That is what has discouraged me in the last couple of days.

Talking about it to you, my friends makes me feel better. May I ask that you be my partner in fighting piracy? Bookstore owners need you to tell others about what piracy really is and its impact. We may have apparently cheap books today, courtesy of the pirates. Those books are cheap because the authors are being denied the royalty that is due to the on the pirated copies. Pirating means that you are lowering the chance of the authors getting any royalties in the first place, and increasing the time it will take for them to earn those royalties> But will the pirates bring us all the different books that we want to see in our bookstores on a consistent basis? It is doubtful that they will. Let's join hands to work for a future in which we will have a steady inflow of good books to our community.

Facebook Friends...

Many people will not touch Facebook for all the gold in South Africa. Many more who use Facebook are very, very wary of connecting with people they do not know or have not had physical contact with offline. Given the scams and other such schemes that abound, I am not surprised that they are that cautious.

While I also exercise a great deal of care, I like Facebook and the ability it gives me to reach out and touch other people. I have met quite a number of people on this medium who are in the process of becoming good friends. Some I have had face-to-face meetings with. Others I am yet to meet. I am amazed at the impactful positive use that these friends are making of Facebook.

One friend has used the medium to connect friends who have resources with widows who were despairing and had no one to run to. Another has used it to raise funds for medical treatment for a little girl who desperately needed it but didn't have anyone to who she could turn. Another is using it to connect young wives in different corners of Nigeria who want to have balance in their lives, husbands, children, work and everything else. Another is using it to help people understand how to make their marriages work. Yet another is using it get his friends to examine their beliefs in the light of the Scriptures and not just hold on to long held myths. I could go on....

I have been thinking about these as well as all the very negative uses that Facebook has been put too by many other people. I realise that friendship on Facebook, indeed any social media is no different from face-to-face or physical contact friendships. We make good and bad friedship choices.

Dr. John Townsend in his book, "How to Be a Best Friend Forever", (that's the book I'm reading now, remember?) said, "Most best friendships begin as we simply pass through life and meet someone we like".  According to him, people meet their friends in the one or more of the following sources:

• Your kids are friends with their kids
• Childhood and school days
• College
• Workplace
• Neighbourhood
• Church
• Introduction from a mutual friend
• Chance encounter

I like to think that social media falls into the chance encounter category.

In life, we should choose friends based on principles. Dr. Townsend posits that a friendship should have three elements.

1. Knowing. Having objective information  and personal experience with the person which provides the foundation of whether or not this relationship will be a friendship, and how deep it can go
2. Liking. You are drawn to each other's presence.
3. Presence. Friends spend time together, that's how knowing and liking happens.

I like the sound of that. It gives me a basis for evaluating my relationships even on social media. Although, deceitful people provide false information in their profiles, I find that by applying principle 1. above, I shut out a significant percentage of them. I think that my friends who I mentioned above have achieved the success they have with social media because they have chosen their friends based on principles.

Should you want the book, "How to Be A Best Friend Forever" by Dr. John Townsend, let me know in the comment box below.

And now it's your turn. Would you like to share with me something from the book you are reading?

I Choose To Be Accountable...

An accountability partner is someone who you trust to hold you to the standards that you set for yourself. As stated in the quote by Bob Proctor in the graphic below, "Accountability is the glue that ties commitment to results."

Keeping a commitment to friends is difficult. You really want to be seen as a person of your words. And yet when the going gets tough, you have a reason that you think is good enough to explain why you have not kept the commitment you made to them. What can your friends do? They accept your explanation. Those who hold you accountable listen to your explanations, but, remind you not indulge yourself in excuses.

Last week, I didn't write a post for my blog. A number of my friends checked in with me to find out why. They reminded me that I had requested them to keep me accountable in writing posts for my blog. I am grateful to them that they did. It set me thinking about the commitment I made to you my readers that I will write one post every week. I realised that ultimately keeping a commiment to others begins with keeping a promise to yourself.

And so, this week I choose to keep the promise to myself and then to you.

As I searched within myself to find out why I was not writing my blog posts., I admitted to myself, that in some way, I expect the post to write itself. I hear you asking, "How do you mean?" One I'd written a post and published it, I went merrily on my way and I didn't give the blog another thought until it was time to publish another one. Of course, it's not so easy to think up a subject, develop it and then write a post in the twinkling of an eye. So, I'd struggle with it and when I make no headway, I'll then say to myself, perhaps I'll just leave it off till the next week. I see now what may have led to my blog going comatose in my earlier attempts.

I am learning that I need to think ahead. I need to choose the subjects I'll write about well ahead. I need to include in my schedule, time to develop my thoughts and time to write my posts.

You my friends are doing a good job of holding me accountable. Now I need to show by the provision I make in my weekly plan that I intend to keep my commitment, first to myself and then to you all. That I will do.

Now is there some way I can reciprocate the favour you have done to me of keeping me accountable? Let me know......

A Pause Along the Way...

Another week has rolled away into history. 

This week, I did not do much reading. 

Every one who makes an effort to read books experiences this. For some, they have many activities in their schedule that crowd out the time they have allotted for books. For others, it may be that the activities they have been involved in tired them out. And for some others there may just be no desire to pick up a book to read.

The difference between the habitual and non-habitual reader is this. The habitual reader understands that this is just a passing phase. Here is where having a commitment to follow a reading schedule pays off. By a reading schedule, I mean, a commitment to read a certain number of chapters a day, or to read for a some set time, (fifteen, thirty minutes, sometimes one hour). As their hectic schedule eases off, they return to their commitment.

The non-habitual reader, on the other hand, reads, when they have time, or when they feel like it. Once the pressure of a hectic schedule or a calendar full of activities hits them, their reading plan goes into a spin. Recovering from that spin is an uphill task, because there is no prior commitment or plan for the recovery phase. Frequently, it's at this point that the non-habitual reader gives up on reading.

A new week is dawning. I'll be on a road trip for most of tomorrow, Sunday. I plan to catch up on my reading of Dr. John Townsend's "How to Be A Best Friend Forever" while on that trip. Already,from the book, I have learned that to deepen the attachment of the relationships I have with my friends, it's important to act in ways that foster trust and openness to each other.

The decision to let you, my friends know how I am doing has been a great help. Choosing to be accountable to you, makes me to keep my decision to read this book in focus. That's another important factor that habitual readers understand.

I invite you to join me in this journey of learning from books.  Tell me, what book are you currently reading? And what was your experience with that exercise this past week?

A New Beginning in Friendships

Wow! This is week number four. The excitement about writing my blog posts is still strong.

Having stated last week that I will read Dr. John Townsend's "How To Be A Best Friend Forever", I included it in my list of things to do for the week. I purposed that I will read the book for 30 minutes each day. 

Come Monday, I started reading the book. It has been an easy to read book.

As I read, I couldn't help but underline portions of the book. I learnt that friendships are critical. Friendships should be about: people we go to with our deepest dreams, needs and questions, and who are lifelines to us; people who bring us life. Longing for friends, real friends was stirred up in me.

  

"Research keeps pointing to the conclusion that all aspects of our lives are deeply affected by the presence or absence of friendships."

I do not have many friends. I am beginning to understand why. Even though I am always looking for more good relationships, I do not know the path to accomplish that. 

Dr. Townsend suggests that a friendship must have three elements:

1. Knowing. This is having objective information and personal experience with the person you are considering for friendship. Knowing provides a foundation of whether or not the relationship will be a friendship and how deep it can go.

2. Liking. This is wanting to spend time with each other. You want them to know about your life and you want to know about their life.

3. Presence. There is mutual commitment to be with each other, and you gladly pay the price for its benefits. Friends spend time together. That''s how knowing and liking happens.

I pondered on these words. I reflected on my experiences of friendship.

In some situations, I considered people my friends without having objective information and personal experience with them. As I found out more about them, I was disappointed and hurt. 

In some other situations, I met people that my knowledge of them made me want to strike up a deep friendship with them. However, I allowed perceived obstacles to prevent me from spending time with them to build the relationships. The potential for friendship was not realized.

After a number of such experiences, I decide not to venture into friendships again.

What has your experience been? Have you found and nurtured friendship opportunities? Have you been disappointed by 'friends" who, if you'd taken time to know some more about them, should never have been called friends? Have you met people who could have become good friends but did not realize the potential of such opportunities? Have you given up on finding good friends?

As I read the book, "How To Be A Best Friend Forever", I am inspired again to look for friendship opportunities. I encourage you to do the same.

A week ago, I had memories of friendships that did not work. I was unwilling to repeat such poor experiences. Now, a book has opened the door for me into a new experience of friendships. 

That's what books do.  They open doors into worlds you didn't know about.

Friendship...What does it really mean?

Today, I'm saying thanks to you, my friends who read my two recent posts, and who are cheering me on in my renewed efforts to keep my blog active. 

I have friends, you have friends, every one around us has friends.

Friendship is a part of life that is as old as mankind itself. And yet, its something that we don't quite understand.

Who are my friends? What makes them friends? How did they become my friends? Do they consider me their friends? What are my expectations of them? Are they aware of those expectations?  Do they have the same expectations of me, or different ones? Am I aware of my expectations of them?

These and many more questions often run through my mind when I think of the subject friendship in general, and my own friends in particular.

As I share thoughts with others, I hear these words, "I thought she was my friend. How could she have done this?" 

I want to make my friendships real. I want them to last a lifetime. I want them to be impactful for those I call my friends and for me too.

I went out to the book-store this week to buy a gift for a friend. As I browsed the shelves in the store, voila! a title caught my attention. "How to Be A Best Friend Forever" by Dr. John Townsend. Trust me, I picked it up, looked at the back and read these words,

"Friend. It's a word whose meaning is confusing, and whose usage is overdone in our fast-paced world. Increasingly, our circles of "friends" are a mile-wide, yet the relationships are paper-thin. Even so, there's nothing like the sustaining strength and life enriching power of true-blue, forever friends. And we need them now more than ever".

I knew immediately that book was going home with me. I got the gift for my friend, completed my shopping and left the bookstore.

As I write this post, I have Dr. Townsend's book with me. It's my book to read in the coming weeks. I intend to read it and practice the things I learn from it. 

I will let you know what my experience is as I get on with reading the book.

Now, the floor is yours. For you, friendship...what does it mean?