Learning From The Bookseller of Kabul

Travel and books are means of educating the mind.

Waiting for a three hour flight from Dubai to New Delhi, I browsed the shelves of a bookstore in the airport. I was intrigued by a book with the title, "The Bookseller of Kabul" by Asne Seierstad. I am a bookseller and thought it would be good to read the experiences of another bookseller living in  a country that shares some of the challenges of my own dear country.

Source:Goodreads

Yes, the book was about a bookseller, but there was more. I have paid but fleeting attention to the news about Afghanistan over the years. There was enough trouble in my own community to worry about.

As I turned the pages of this book, I got a close glimpse of one Afghani family. I learnt some of their culture. I saw the Taliban issues through the eyes of ordinary people who lived through it all.

Reading about Sultan Khan the bookseller, who is the subject of the book, rekindled the passion I have for selling books and for passing on the love of books to others around me. He saw books as a means of storing and passing on the on the history, the arts and culture of a people. He refused to allow the many travails of his nation to kill his passion.

As I read, I thought of the present travails of the book trade back home in Nigeria. Nothing that we experience is close to what the Bookseller of Kabul passed through. His books were set ablaze in a bonfire multiple times.He was imprisoned for operating a bookstore and for selling books that made people think. i concluded that the challenges I currently face as bookseller are not enough to make me give up. i will persevere in the business just like he did.

Amazing, isn't it? That a book about a man I'd never met and probably won't ever meet, and a country that I knew next to nothing about will have such a significant impact on me.

That's what books do.

Which books have you read that had significant impact on you?

My Reading Adventures With Heritage Youth

On Thursday, June 10, 2015, I led a Relationship Chat Session with the youths of New Heritage Baptist Church, Shomolu, Lagos. The session which was part of their 2015 Youth Week was quite interesting. During the session I shared that reading books is one of the ways by which we can equip ourselves for the success of our relationships. At the end of the program, a lovely young lady approached me and asked about my Group Reading Program. I explained that I Got a group of young people who would commit to reading the book, Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman over a six week period, I will commit to coaching them.

 Source:Bookstore Quotes

Never underestimate the power of a determined mind. PrincessDee as her friends call her, responded, "I'll get back to you ma." She got back to me by email, having recruited fifteen of her friends to sign on to the Reading Program. The six weeks Reading Program kicked off on June 29, 2015.

Some expectations shared by the participants were:

1. For the fun of it. Never joined a reading group before. 

2. To grasp new knowledge that I may not have known by now with respect to marriage questions coupled with boosting my reading culture to grow in this area.

3. To be more prepared and enlightened to have and know what it takes to have a successful marriage.

4. A broader understanding of relationships and how to drive them towards a long-lasting marriage. The simple necessary actions to keep a woman and keep her happy. 

5. To find answers to questions relating to marriage and prepare for the marriage institution. 

6. That I may understand the basic and essentials of marriage for me to enjoy it to the fullest.

7. At the end of the program, I hope to have grown in my relationship with God and have a better understanding of his purpose for my life. Also, as a young Christian lady looking forward to the marriage institution, I want to gain a deeper knowledge of my roles as a wife and mother to be in order to have an excellent home. 

8. To get the most out of the book to help me develop healthier relationships with the view of a successful marriage. To also identify the major pitfalls in choosing a life partner.

9. To get knowledge on how to build a successful intentional relationship (not random dating) and avoid the pitfalls and mistakes made in previous relationships. 

10. I expect to have a better understanding to the concept of marriage, to understand my role and task as a woman in a relationship and eventually as a wife. I expect to be able to learn from other people and to generally learn new ideas and views to make myself better.

11. To choose the right man, to develop a healthy relationship with my spouse.

It was an interesting six weeks.

We had two 2-hour virtual meetings on BlackBerry - the first three weeks into the program and the second at the end of six weeks. The discussions were very enlightening for me as one who works with young people and also as a parent of young adults who are trying to figure out their way in life.

My young friends had a tough time finding the time to read the book and do the required assignments with their personal hectic schedule of leaving home early for work and getting back late. They found the time because of the accountability process of the Reading Program. At the end of six weeks, they appreciated that finding time to read was doable and greatly beneficial.

Were their expectations met? Here are the words they used to describe their experiences. Awesome and revealing. Enlightening. Refreshing. Revolutionary. Eye opening and educating.

And me, how did I feel? Astounded to say the least. I have once again experienced the significant impact that reading books can have in the lives of the people who read them. I first read Gary Chapman's book some years ago. I have since then recommended it to many people and sold it at Hidden Treasures Bookstore. This group is the second one I've done the six weeks Reading Program with. The feedback is the same - "Thank you for introducing this book to us."

And you know what? If I meet the fifteen young people I worked with in these past few weeks, I will not recognise them. I am yet to have a face to face meeting with them. *smiling* I look forward to meeting them all soon.

My takeaway? There's plenty of avenues for me to teach and encourage the love of books and of reading!

Thank you New Heritage Baptist Church and Heritage Youth for inviting me to your church. Thank you Likeminds Reading Group. Thank you PrincessDee for putting the group together and for being the Group Admin.

And now it’s your turn. You had any reading adventures recently? Share them..

Did You Really Read That Book?

We buy a book and read through it once and then put it away on the bookshelf. But, did we really read that book? How many times should a book be read? 

Source: Oh, The Books!

About a fortnight ago, a friend invited me to join a Mastermind group to study "The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership" by John C. Maxwell. I had always wanted to participate in a Mastermind group. Plus, I was examining my life to identify areas that need improvement or adjustment. So I promptly committed to the ten-week group.

Now my first contact with this book was in 2003 when Hidden Treasures Bookstore opened for business. In that season, it was one of our best sellers. As a bookseller who wanted to be on top of her game, I read the book at the time. But, did I really read that book?

I received the first pre-meeting assignment and purposed in my heart that I would be a diligent, focused member of the Mastermind group. I set out to get a new copy of "The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership" and discovered that it had been revised in 2007. Once I got the revised edition, I commenced reading. Again and again, as I read on, I asked myself, "Did I really read that book?" 

You must be wondering why this question kept coming up. The question arose because although I had vague remembrances of the knowledge I grasped when I first read the book in 2003. I had forgotten much of what I read. As I turned the pages, I noticed some important information for the first time. In addition, with the experience of passing years, I reckon that some information also became more relevant to me. I wasn't the same person I was twelve years ago. I've grown and had varied leadership experiences. I look back and assess my performance as leader in the years gone by. All of these changed how I now view the book, "The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership". Perhaps, I now appreciate the book as I didn't do in my first reading. Perhaps things I glossed over then, now have meaning in the light of my experiences.

I ask the question again, "Did you really read that book?" when you read it just once. There probably are various reasons why you don't re-read books. Some would say, with so much to do, who has the time to re-read a book they already read? Some others would say, I have read it once, and I already know what's in the book, why re-read it? I'd say, don't dismiss re-reading a book you have read. Re-reading can be a useful tool. Think of how you will request a teacher to go over some material you really want to understand. Why not take the same desire to understand a little further and re-read a book once in a while?

Now it’s your turn. Did you really read that book?

Books - A Peep Into The Lives of Others...

A few weeks ago, I was browsing and saw a book advertised. Zachary's Choice: Surviving My Child's Suicide by Suzy LaBonte. I was repelled by the title and in the same breath attracted by it. Numerous questions ran through my mind. Why would a young person commit suicide? What were the circumstances? Why was the child's mum writing about it? What was it like for her? How was she coping with it?

Source:Christianbook.com

I searched for and located the book in my favourite ebook store,  and added it to my wish list. Every now and again I looked at the book. I read the reviews from others who had read the book. Eventually my curiosity got the better of me. I just had to find out what the story was in this book. I clicked on the "Buy Now" button and the book was in my library. 

I turned the page and started to read. Indeed, Suzy's teenage son, Zachary had committed suicide. As I read the first chapter, I felt like I had been kicked repeatedly in the stomach. I shared Suzy's distress as she discovered that her son had not only died but had killed himself. In the following chapters, I sat with Suzy as she recounted how she walked through those dark days of coming to terms with her son's death.

She wrote, " Suicide now lives in my house as surely as my son did not. It was a scandalous dirty word to me, an unclean taboo, full of fearful stigma, a social leprosy of repulsion and terror. In my naive mind, suicide has always been a dishonourable method of death associated with those who were in trouble or who had no one to love them and nowhere to turn.Suicide wasn't a word to be associated with a treasured child, loved by his siblings, adored by his parents and treasured by his relatives.It wasn't a word to be linked with a kind talented child who who had tremendous gifts to offer the world.Yet that ghastly word was in my daily vocabulary and had already rolled off my tongue far too many times. Shame on me for my smug and arrogant assumptions. Shame on me for my ignorant and misinformed criticism."

I realised that she wasn't alone in those assumptions and criticism. I was right there with her. Was that not why I was repelled at first by the title of the book? 

I thank Suzy for giving me a peep into her life by writing the book and sharing her experiences. I am now wiser and will deal more sensitively with others who hurt around me. I don't always know the details of their circumstances. 

I also am glad that I read the book, Zachary's Choice. I would never have dared to write or talk publicly about suicide had I not read the book. According to Suzy, suicide is a tough subject and not fun to talk about.However, bringing up this tough subject in conversation with another can open the door to a frank discussion. When suicide and other tough subjects are discussed, taboos are lifted and the powerful chains of silence and isolation are broken. By so doing, maybe, one person would rethink their desperate intention and a life would be saved. Maybe warning signs could be identified and safety measures and counselling could be put into practice.

Just maybe...

One Tool You Should Be Using...Thinking Out of the Box

One tool you should be using is "Thinking out of the Box".

When people say to you, "Think out of the box", what do they mean? They mean think in a way that you wouldn't normally think. Now, we human beings are creatures of habits. We love our comfort zones. It very often takes a crisis to push us out to try something new.

I have always found reading books to be a good way of encouraging myself to think out the box. Some years back, I read the book, Creating You & Co. by William Bridges. At the time I was reading this book, I had been an employee for about twelve years. In all that time I assumed that my employer owed me the obligation of providing me with a secure job once I fulfilled my own part by being a good employee. Everyone I knew, who had a job was looking forward to working till they attained the retirement age.  In this book, I was confronted with realities of the changing world of work. The buzz word then was re-engineering of businesses which very often resulted in down-sizing of the workforce. Bridges helped me to begin to think about my work in a different way. I began to think of myself as the CEO of Me and Co. and realised that I needed to take responsibility for the path that my career would take from then.

Roy H. Williams, the New York Times best-selling author of teh The Wizards of Ads Trilogy of books, published an article "Your Seat in the Stadium of Life". In this article, he said, 

"Your box is your perspective, your worldview, your schema - the sum of your life's experiences - your own personal set of assumptions. Like a seat in a stadium, your "box" determines the angle from which you view every game.

What people call "thinking outside the box" can be accomplished only by getting out of your seat and walking to an unfamiliar part of the stadium to borrow the seat of someone else.

Now you're seeing things from their view. You're still in a "box", but it's not your own. You've borrowed a new perspective so that you're seeing your problem through the eyes of another - according to their values and assumptions." Read more here...

A book that you choose to read, very often enables you to borrow someone else's seat in an unfamiliar part of the stadium of life and see life through their eyes. In the book, you have the opportunity of seeing how things will turn out if you choose paths of action that are different from what you are familiar with. The beautiful thing is that you see all this without having taken any step forward in any direction.

Since reading "You & Co.", I have read other books which have firther solidified my perception that my career in my business.

And now it's your turn. Which books have helped you to begin thinking out of the box?

Why I Love Reading Books About Other Peoples' Experiences...

Autobiographies and biographies, that's what books about the life experiences of people are called. One such book is "Long Walk to Freedom" by Nelson Mandela, the first black president of South Africa. Another is "Gifted Hands" by Ben Carson, the first surgeon to successfully separate conjoined twins at the head.

Source: First Grade Blue Skies

I love reading books about peoples' experiences. There is nothing that happens to me that is not common to man. Someone somewhere has walked that path before me. Through the pages of these books I walk with and share their experiences. I learn from them how to handle different life situations. I discover ideas and approaches which I can use in my own life. 

(Auto)biographies allow me to see the world in new ways. As I read about someone from a different era, a different background, even a totally different set of experiences, I gain a new perspective about my own life situation.

When I read books about other peoples' life experiences, I get a glimpse into their minds and now have the advantage of knowing them. As I think about what they might do in the situation I am facing, they become my mentors from a distance.

I recently had the privilege to read "Miracle on the Hudson' by Chigozie Udemezue, founder of Healing Hearts Widows Support Foundation. Chigozie who is my friend, wrote about her experiences after her husband died. Her exuberantly healthy husband was snatched by death and while she was still reeling from that painful loss, she had a baby who the medics said would survive only by a miracle.Her baby survived, demonstrating God's mercy and astounding the medics who declared that they had indeed seen a miracle happen before their very eyes. 

Life handed her a lemon and a very bitter one at that, but she chose to make lemonade out of it and then serve it as a refreshing drink for others. She wrote about her experiences to encourage others along life's way.

Source: Gozie Udemezue

Since reading the book, whenever I encounter what I consider a tough situation, I find myself thinking, "What would Chigozie do if she were in my shoes?" I have gained a new perspective on how to respond to life challenges.

Choosing to read (auto)biographies is a great way to expand your horizons, find new mentors and learn vicariously from others.

  

Now it's your turn. What (auto)biographies have you read and what impact have they made on you? If you haven't read any, I encourage you start, perhaps with "Miracle on the Hudson". You'd be glad you did.

I Won't Give Up...

Making a commitment involves dedicating yourself to something, like a person or a cause. 

A commitment obligates you to do something.

Making a commitment is a good thing. Once you define an objective and make a commitment to achieve it, the commitment holds the objective constantly before you. I am learning the benefits of making a commitment. It is a little over eleven weeks now since I posted my last blog entry. In these eleven weeks, I constantly remembered my two commitments:

• To write a blog post every week; and
• To read for 15 minutes every day

I kept the commitment to read for 15 minutes a day. In fact because I already have a love for reading, I read for more than fifteen minutes each day. I have since completed the book, Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married by Gary Chapman and started to read "Love, Sex and Lasting Relationships" by Chip Ingram. However, I still struggle to read at regular times.

Writing a weekly the blog post has been a tougher nut to crack. Eleven weeks have gone by without a blog post. Did I just forget my commitment? Not really. Every day, I remembered it. Yet each week went by, without a blog post. I am slowly recognising that when I make a commitment, I need to make space for it in my schedule of things to do. For writing the blog, I need to make time for thinking about what to write. I need to also make time for writing the entry and posting it. And so I am at my desk resuming work on something that I have committed to do.

I'm glad I made a public commitment. It has kept me accountable. I thank you, my friends, who have inquired from time to time, about when you'll see my next post. Here it is...

The next couple of weeks will show me whether I am mastering the lesson I am learning about making space in my schedule of things to do for the commitments that I have made.

Now its your turn. What commitments have you made in recent times. How are you doing with keeping them?

I'm at the Starting Block...

There is no elevator to success…you have to take the stairs. - Zig Ziglar

With an elevator, you can close your eyes and be taken up to a higher level. With taking the staircase, you have to focus on where you are going, you have to exert yourself to get to the higher level .

Last week, I renewed my commitment to read for 15 minutes everyday. Start date for implementation is August 1.  In preparation for taking action on this commitment, I have all of this week been looking at my activities plan with a view to choosing the specific 15 minutes of the day in which I will read.

Its amazing how very cluttered my life is that to find just 15 minutes to spare is tough. However, because my decision is public and because I like to be accountable, I have not given up on finding the time to read for 15 minutes daily. I realise now, that it is good that there is some time lag between when I made the commitment and when I am to start its implementation. The last one week and the remaining days of the month of July are affording me the privilege of thinking through my commitment and how best to implement it. If I were to have implemented the decision last week when I made it, I probably would have given up by now. I hear you asking me "Why?"

I'd have given up, because, I had not yet answered some important questions that are critical to helping me achieve the goal. Some of these are:

1. Which time of the day was I considering?

2. How would my current daily activity plan be affected by using this time differently?

3. What adjustments do I need to make to accommodate the expected changes?

4. Which book do I want to start with?

Not having answers to these questions meant that I was already falling down right from the starting block. I have learnt an important lesson. When I set a goal, that is just the first step. My current activity plan will require some adjustment to accommodate the steps that I will take in order to achieve the goal.  I need to ask and answer the questions:

• What are the small steps that will help me to achieve the goal? 
• How would my current daily activity plan be affected by implementing these steps? 
• What adjustments do I need to make to my present activity plan?

I have chosen two 15 minutes segment in my day for reading my book daily one in the morning and one in the evening. I chose two so that regardless of the pressures on my time, at the worst, I'll have 15 minutes daily, at best, I'll have 30 minutes daily.

If I read just 15 minutes a day - every day, for one year - I can complete 20 books! I am excited just thinking about it. 

Will it be easy? I'm not kidding myself that it will. But  I will give it my best effort. 

Will you join me in the 15 Minutes a Day Reading Challenge? Click here to find out more about it. Let me know in the comment box if you're accepting my invitation.

I'm Taking My Own Advice...

Advice is very easy to give to others but quite tough to implement in one's own life.

As a bookstore owner and a lover of books, I very often dish out advice to others with a view to encouraging them to give time to read good books. In 2013, I read a blog post on Lifelong Learning by Jen Harris and learnt that:

• If you read just one book per month for 12 straight months, you will be in the top 25 percentile of all intellectuals in the world!
• If you read five books on one subject, you are one of the world’s foremost leading authorities on that subject!
• If you read just 15 minutes a day — every day, for one year — you can complete 20 books!

Based on this discovery, on Hidden Treasures Bookstore's Facebook page, we invited our fans to  join our 15 Minutes A Day Reading Challenge. Here's how the challenge worked. Participants were to:

1. Choose a book to start with and get the book;

2. Choose a specific time in the day when they'll read the book EVERY day for 15 minutes, e.g.     6.00 - 6.15pm;

3. Start reading the book every day at the scheduled time;

4. When they finished reading the first book, take a second book and repeat the cycle;

5. Share their experiences (if they like) with us on our Facebook page as they go on this journey;

6. Invite their friends to do the same.

Since I resumed blogging about my experience reading books, I have done some self assessment and found that I have not taken my own advice. I haven't put in my daily schedule time for reading as advised in the 15 Minutes A Day Reading Challenge. Invariably, my desire to read regularly is not realised as other activities overwhelm any efforts I make to fulfil that desire.

The time has come for me to take my own advice. I really do want to share my experience about reading books. To do that I have to read books on a regular basis. So I have come to the place of a new commitment. I commit from August 1, 2014 to take the 15 Minutes A Day Reading Challenge.

I invite you to join me in this challenge.  Let me know in the comment box, if you're accepting my invitation.

Encouragement from Books

Books are great tools for encouraging yourself.

As I dwelt on the matter of book piracy and its devastating effect on the Nigerian Book Trade in general and Hidden Treasures Bookstore in particular, for the first time in the history of my bookstore, I considered shutting down and moving on to some other business.

While in this mode, I  had a trip to make to the village. I would be there for about ten days. When I go on such a trip, it is my practice to go with a book. The atmosphere in the village is serene. In addition, life in the village is a break from my regular routine. I find that I am able to speed read a book while there.

For this trip, I chose Supernatural Destiny by Don Nori. Don Nori is the founder of Destiny Image Publishers, an American Christian Publishing company. Supernatural Destiny is the story of how he started Destiny Image. In his book, Nori shared the challenges he faced while nurturing his publishing company in the early days.

In  a chapter titled, "God Sends People to Encourage", Nori shared how God providentially sent people his way at different times in the early days of his business to encourage him. As I read about his experiences, I began to recall similar experiences in the years past of how God providentially brought people my way. I recalled how in my interactions with these people, I had received encouragement and assurance that I was not in the wrong business.

By the time I'd read through the book, "Supernatural Destiny", I was greatly revived. I remembered the dreams and vision that led to the start of my bookstore. I remembered the significant milestones, I had passed in the life of the  bookstore. I recalled the undeniable encounters which could only have happened because God showed up. I was revived and reminded that challenges and obstacles are part and parcel of life.

And so the thoughts of closing down my bookstore which arose in my mind as I reviewed the impact of book piracy on our operations receded. I love reading books. I want to share that love of books with others. I want to promote the love for books in the coming generations. The activities of book pirates will not discourage or deter me from working at fulfilling my dream.

If my experience encourages you, even in a small way to hold on to your dream, I will be delighted to hear from you.

Piracy of Books

I was discouraged this week and I'd like to tell you about it.

Piracy of books has been perhaps the biggest challenge that booksellers in Nigeria have faced in the last couple of years. Best selling books and bibles which form the core inventory of many bookstores have been taken by pirates who have flooded the market with illegally produced copies. In  the past, it was quite easy to recognise pirated works. The quality of the work and the paper used was very poor. With the advancement in technology, the quality of the pirated works is quite close to the original editions.

On the one hand, members of the public, largely ignorant, happily buy the pirated works, supposing that they are getting fantastic price bargains. They even accuse bookstore owners and booksellers who sell original works of being selfish people who are out to make excessive profit. On the other hand, bookstore owners have unsold inventory because their customers are now buying pirated books They have a hard time having enough funds to pay their suppliers and have to lay off staff. Furthermore, because they cash strapped, they are unable to bring new titles to the customers who are faithful and consistent in their patronage. Some bookstores have had to close down.

Many bookstore owners, yours truly included, have chosen not to deal in pirated works. It has been tough but we have stayed true to our choice.

"My Vision: Challenges in the Race for Excellence" by His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates and Ruler of Dubai was introduced to the local book market in January 2014. As with other bookstores, we at Hidden Treasures Bookstore, received enquiries about this inspiring book. In a bid to satisfy our customers, we ordered the book. To our chagrin, the pirated version of the book has flooded the market. And it is selling at one-tenth the price of the original work.

How does a honest bookstore owner deal with this? Customers' accusations, unsold inventory resulting in cash flow issues...

the truth is that the only way a customer can identify pirated works is to believe in the integrity of the bookstore from which he buys books regularly. if a bookstore's customer believes that the bookstore operates with integrity, he will be suspicious once he is offered books at ridiculously low prices. In recent times, customers who have patronised us for years at Hidden Treasures Bookstore have accused us of charging exorbitant prices. We have been horrified. Seeing that book prices have remained stable for quite some time, their accusations infer that we have not acted with integrity. Coming from long-standing customers, that was dreadful. That is what has discouraged me in the last couple of days.

Talking about it to you, my friends makes me feel better. May I ask that you be my partner in fighting piracy? Bookstore owners need you to tell others about what piracy really is and its impact. We may have apparently cheap books today, courtesy of the pirates. Those books are cheap because the authors are being denied the royalty that is due to the on the pirated copies. Pirating means that you are lowering the chance of the authors getting any royalties in the first place, and increasing the time it will take for them to earn those royalties> But will the pirates bring us all the different books that we want to see in our bookstores on a consistent basis? It is doubtful that they will. Let's join hands to work for a future in which we will have a steady inflow of good books to our community.

Facebook Friends...

Many people will not touch Facebook for all the gold in South Africa. Many more who use Facebook are very, very wary of connecting with people they do not know or have not had physical contact with offline. Given the scams and other such schemes that abound, I am not surprised that they are that cautious.

While I also exercise a great deal of care, I like Facebook and the ability it gives me to reach out and touch other people. I have met quite a number of people on this medium who are in the process of becoming good friends. Some I have had face-to-face meetings with. Others I am yet to meet. I am amazed at the impactful positive use that these friends are making of Facebook.

One friend has used the medium to connect friends who have resources with widows who were despairing and had no one to run to. Another has used it to raise funds for medical treatment for a little girl who desperately needed it but didn't have anyone to who she could turn. Another is using it to connect young wives in different corners of Nigeria who want to have balance in their lives, husbands, children, work and everything else. Another is using it to help people understand how to make their marriages work. Yet another is using it get his friends to examine their beliefs in the light of the Scriptures and not just hold on to long held myths. I could go on....

I have been thinking about these as well as all the very negative uses that Facebook has been put too by many other people. I realise that friendship on Facebook, indeed any social media is no different from face-to-face or physical contact friendships. We make good and bad friedship choices.

Dr. John Townsend in his book, "How to Be a Best Friend Forever", (that's the book I'm reading now, remember?) said, "Most best friendships begin as we simply pass through life and meet someone we like".  According to him, people meet their friends in the one or more of the following sources:

• Your kids are friends with their kids
• Childhood and school days
• College
• Workplace
• Neighbourhood
• Church
• Introduction from a mutual friend
• Chance encounter

I like to think that social media falls into the chance encounter category.

In life, we should choose friends based on principles. Dr. Townsend posits that a friendship should have three elements.

1. Knowing. Having objective information  and personal experience with the person which provides the foundation of whether or not this relationship will be a friendship, and how deep it can go
2. Liking. You are drawn to each other's presence.
3. Presence. Friends spend time together, that's how knowing and liking happens.

I like the sound of that. It gives me a basis for evaluating my relationships even on social media. Although, deceitful people provide false information in their profiles, I find that by applying principle 1. above, I shut out a significant percentage of them. I think that my friends who I mentioned above have achieved the success they have with social media because they have chosen their friends based on principles.

Should you want the book, "How to Be A Best Friend Forever" by Dr. John Townsend, let me know in the comment box below.

And now it's your turn. Would you like to share with me something from the book you are reading?

Keeping My Promise....

It's two weeks and one day since my last blog entry. I had reasons to postpone writing an entry but I remembered the commitment I have made to you all, my friends. When I restarted my blog in April, I committed to writing one blog post every week. So here I am, keeping my promise to you.

In the last fortnight, I paused reading Dr. John Townsend's "How to Be a Best Friend Forever". 

What happened? I hear you ask. 

First, I went on a business visit to my bookstore, Hidden Treasures Bookstore in Enugu. Because I had not visited for some time there was quite a lot to do. To accommodate all that I had to do, I assigned low priority to reading my book. Since I didn't do any reading that week, I felt I didn't have anything to share with you, my friends.

Sometime during my stay in the bookstore, my eyes rested on a book "When I Lay My Isaac Down" by Carol Kent. As I moved about in the bookstore, I was intrigued by the subtitle of the book, "Unshakeable Faith in Unthinkable Circumstances".  At some point,my curiosity got the better of me and I picked up the book from the shelf where it was and looked through it.

The book outlined transformational principles that Gene and Carol Kent learnt  in the process of facing the news that forever changed their lives. Their twenty-five year-old son, a graduate of the U. S. Naval Academy with an impeccable record shot and killed his wife's ex-husband. Long recognised for his exemplary character, their son, now walks a path no one could have predicted - and his family lives in the aftermath of a devastation most cannot imagine.

To say that I was shocked as I read the book is putting it mildly. I wondered again and again, what would I do if I found myself such an unthinkable circumstance? At first, my reaction was "God forbid!!!" as we would say in local parlance. Then I recalled a number of people around me who had in recent times found themselves in unthinkable circumstances. I decided to read the book not just for reading sake, but to walk with the author, Carol Kent, and learn with her, the transformational principles she wrote about in the book.

A week ago, I copied this from the book,

 " All of us have circumstances that produce varying degrees of personal loss and devastation. Will we maintain our grip on hope in the process of defeat? Will we live our lives with passion and purpose even, if in this lifetime, we are not permitted to have an answer as to why something has happened? Will we choose unshakeable faith, or will we give up on God? I believe God's great invitation is to engage us in the process of discovering the power of choosing faith when that decision makes no sense.There is hidden power in our unthinkable circumstances."

In less than twenty-four hours after I copied this quote into my journal, I received news of an unthinkable circumstance that shook me and made me to ask God "Why? How did You allow this?" As I struggled with my thoughts and emotions on receiving this news, I recalled the quote copied into my journal. I recalled the story of the Kents as they walked with God in their unthinkable circumstance. I realized that I was being presented with an opportunity to choose faith when the decision made no sense.

I found that reading a book had become the means by which I received advance preparation to cope with my unthinkable circumstance. And so I have gone back to the book, "When I Lay My Isaac Down" for now.

Have I given up on my earlier book, "How to Be a Best Friend Forever"? No. I have only paused for a while. I will return to it shortly.

And now it's your turn. What book are you reading? And what are you learning from it?

A Pause Along the Way...

Another week has rolled away into history. 

This week, I did not do much reading. 

Every one who makes an effort to read books experiences this. For some, they have many activities in their schedule that crowd out the time they have allotted for books. For others, it may be that the activities they have been involved in tired them out. And for some others there may just be no desire to pick up a book to read.

The difference between the habitual and non-habitual reader is this. The habitual reader understands that this is just a passing phase. Here is where having a commitment to follow a reading schedule pays off. By a reading schedule, I mean, a commitment to read a certain number of chapters a day, or to read for a some set time, (fifteen, thirty minutes, sometimes one hour). As their hectic schedule eases off, they return to their commitment.

The non-habitual reader, on the other hand, reads, when they have time, or when they feel like it. Once the pressure of a hectic schedule or a calendar full of activities hits them, their reading plan goes into a spin. Recovering from that spin is an uphill task, because there is no prior commitment or plan for the recovery phase. Frequently, it's at this point that the non-habitual reader gives up on reading.

A new week is dawning. I'll be on a road trip for most of tomorrow, Sunday. I plan to catch up on my reading of Dr. John Townsend's "How to Be A Best Friend Forever" while on that trip. Already,from the book, I have learned that to deepen the attachment of the relationships I have with my friends, it's important to act in ways that foster trust and openness to each other.

The decision to let you, my friends know how I am doing has been a great help. Choosing to be accountable to you, makes me to keep my decision to read this book in focus. That's another important factor that habitual readers understand.

I invite you to join me in this journey of learning from books.  Tell me, what book are you currently reading? And what was your experience with that exercise this past week?

A New Beginning in Friendships

Wow! This is week number four. The excitement about writing my blog posts is still strong.

Having stated last week that I will read Dr. John Townsend's "How To Be A Best Friend Forever", I included it in my list of things to do for the week. I purposed that I will read the book for 30 minutes each day. 

Come Monday, I started reading the book. It has been an easy to read book.

As I read, I couldn't help but underline portions of the book. I learnt that friendships are critical. Friendships should be about: people we go to with our deepest dreams, needs and questions, and who are lifelines to us; people who bring us life. Longing for friends, real friends was stirred up in me.

  

"Research keeps pointing to the conclusion that all aspects of our lives are deeply affected by the presence or absence of friendships."

I do not have many friends. I am beginning to understand why. Even though I am always looking for more good relationships, I do not know the path to accomplish that. 

Dr. Townsend suggests that a friendship must have three elements:

1. Knowing. This is having objective information and personal experience with the person you are considering for friendship. Knowing provides a foundation of whether or not the relationship will be a friendship and how deep it can go.

2. Liking. This is wanting to spend time with each other. You want them to know about your life and you want to know about their life.

3. Presence. There is mutual commitment to be with each other, and you gladly pay the price for its benefits. Friends spend time together. That''s how knowing and liking happens.

I pondered on these words. I reflected on my experiences of friendship.

In some situations, I considered people my friends without having objective information and personal experience with them. As I found out more about them, I was disappointed and hurt. 

In some other situations, I met people that my knowledge of them made me want to strike up a deep friendship with them. However, I allowed perceived obstacles to prevent me from spending time with them to build the relationships. The potential for friendship was not realized.

After a number of such experiences, I decide not to venture into friendships again.

What has your experience been? Have you found and nurtured friendship opportunities? Have you been disappointed by 'friends" who, if you'd taken time to know some more about them, should never have been called friends? Have you met people who could have become good friends but did not realize the potential of such opportunities? Have you given up on finding good friends?

As I read the book, "How To Be A Best Friend Forever", I am inspired again to look for friendship opportunities. I encourage you to do the same.

A week ago, I had memories of friendships that did not work. I was unwilling to repeat such poor experiences. Now, a book has opened the door for me into a new experience of friendships. 

That's what books do.  They open doors into worlds you didn't know about.

Friendship...What does it really mean?

Today, I'm saying thanks to you, my friends who read my two recent posts, and who are cheering me on in my renewed efforts to keep my blog active. 

I have friends, you have friends, every one around us has friends.

Friendship is a part of life that is as old as mankind itself. And yet, its something that we don't quite understand.

Who are my friends? What makes them friends? How did they become my friends? Do they consider me their friends? What are my expectations of them? Are they aware of those expectations?  Do they have the same expectations of me, or different ones? Am I aware of my expectations of them?

These and many more questions often run through my mind when I think of the subject friendship in general, and my own friends in particular.

As I share thoughts with others, I hear these words, "I thought she was my friend. How could she have done this?" 

I want to make my friendships real. I want them to last a lifetime. I want them to be impactful for those I call my friends and for me too.

I went out to the book-store this week to buy a gift for a friend. As I browsed the shelves in the store, voila! a title caught my attention. "How to Be A Best Friend Forever" by Dr. John Townsend. Trust me, I picked it up, looked at the back and read these words,

"Friend. It's a word whose meaning is confusing, and whose usage is overdone in our fast-paced world. Increasingly, our circles of "friends" are a mile-wide, yet the relationships are paper-thin. Even so, there's nothing like the sustaining strength and life enriching power of true-blue, forever friends. And we need them now more than ever".

I knew immediately that book was going home with me. I got the gift for my friend, completed my shopping and left the bookstore.

As I write this post, I have Dr. Townsend's book with me. It's my book to read in the coming weeks. I intend to read it and practice the things I learn from it. 

I will let you know what my experience is as I get on with reading the book.

Now, the floor is yours. For you, friendship...what does it mean?